I don’t know, it’s weird, it’s like whenever I look at this photo I imagine her asking me for a cigar in a deep man-voice with a really thick New York accent. Right? RIGHT?
This is what happens on Friday nights after a long week of Messing With Mama. It’ll tucker a girl right out. Also, take a look at those hands – if she were a Golden Retriever puppy, those huge paws would indicate that she’d grow into a 200 pound dog. Oh, and her feet? She doesn’t have those. She has flippers. It’s almost like she isn’t human at all!
Wow, yesterday. It was a toughie, to say the least. In a nutshell, Avalon was possessed by Those Who Don’t Sleep and decided that she only needed a few ten minute naps scattered throughout the day. For those of you familiar with newborns, THIS IS NOT THE CASE. She fought sleep as if her life depended on it, and when I would finally get her settled down from crying and she would yawn or close her eyes she’d get totally pissed off about it then start screaming again.
I found myself ready to lose it yesterday. I cried. She cried. A LOT. However, in her defense, I was trying to make her sleep in her crib. I know she can sleep in her swing and in her car seat after a car ride, but in an effort to avoid starting bad habits I dedicated yesterday to getting her to sleep in her crib. You can obviously tell how well that went over.
During those two-second naps she did take, and in between scouring the Internet for other mommy-blogs looking for reassurance that they had these ugly moments too and parenting message boards for answers to, “newborn fighting sleep, help me before I jump out a window,” I ended up on Facebook for a minute. Here’s what I posted:
Obviously this was written out of exhaustion and hormones, not from my heart, I love my daughter more than my own life. And I don’t know why I felt the need to post that thought publicly, it just happened. Following that, I got a few responses, most of them just encouraging me and letting me know I’m not alone and that I’m perfectly normal. And that is the best thing that anyone could have said to me. I didn’t want advice, I didn’t want to be judged, all I needed to know was (and is) that I’m not the only one in this boat that sometimes feels like it’s sinking.
Let’s just be honest, as a mom, THERE ARE DAYS THAT SUCK. It’s not always rainbows and sunshine and filet mignon. And you know what? I’m not going to pretend on here, on Facebook, or in my everyday life like it is. Because I want other people – new moms, moms-to-be, whoever – to know that they’re not alone. So for any moms who are reading my blog looking for encouragement like I was yesterday, I totally know how you feel. You’re not alone. I am with you on this crazy, amazing, challenging journey.
The good news in all of this is that with the bad comes good. Last night when I laid Avalon down and got into my bed I prayed and told Jesus that I will praise Him even through the trials and thanked him for my baby. I also asked if he would give us some rest and relief, and would you believe that last night when she went down for bed she slept for an entire 7.5 hours straight? I know that Jesus heard my pleas and purposefully blessed us all with a good night’s sleep. And today she is a new baby, already taking her second substantial nap of the day. I’ve never trusted or leaned on Him more than since having a baby. I couldn’t do this without Him.
Now I need to go and wake up (WAKE UP! I HAVE TO WAKE HER UP!) Avalon so she can eat. I told you, it’s a TOTALLY new day. And yes, I know there are some of you thinking, “Wake up your baby? You’re going to WAKE HER UP?” Yes. Yes I am. I know some people don’t do that, but I do, so let’s just put all the judging aside. But as a kicker, dare I admit that I put her on her stomach for her naps? Whoo boy. That will really rile up a crowd, won’t it?
Avalon, today you are one month old. Seriously, where did the last month go? How did I miss it? I thought you were just born five days ago? It’s so cliche when parents drone on about how having kids makes your life fly by but wow, it is so true. In the blink of an eye, just eleven more of these fast-paced months, you’re going to be one YEAR old, which is exactly why I am purposefully treasuring each and every moment with you. Even all of those moments, and Avalon, you know what I mean by that, don’t you?
Today, on your one-month-birthday-thing, we celebrated by putting you down for a nap in your crib for the very first time ever! Whoo! We know how to party around here, don’t we? Unfortunately that nap only lasted a solid fifteen minutes and then you were all, dude, it’s a little bit lonely up here. Because your bedroom, it’s upstairs, and our bedroom is downstairs. For that reason we’ve had you sleeping in your Pack n’ Play next to my side of the bed. I’m not quite ready to leave you upstairs all alone yet, and I’m not really sure when that day will come, but for now we’re both perfectly content sleeping a mere ten inches away from each other.
I think the way you’ve changed the most in the past month is that you’re starting to not be so angry about the fact THAT YOU WERE BORN. Those first few weeks, man, you were seriously irked at the universe. I guess the bright side to all of that is that my womb must be the equivalent of the Lake Austin spa, a place where you must have bathed in a tub filled with rose petals, enjoyed daily hot rocks massages, and hired some pool boys to massage your feet and fan your face with palm branches. I guess I’d be pissed to leave a place like that, too. Lately, though, you’ve become a much happier individual. It probably helps that we’re finally getting on more of a routine. You’re also doing an awesome job of sleeping at night. In fact last night you slept for six straight hours, and when I heard you rustling around your bed and looked over at the clock to see what time it was I couldn’t believe that it had been six, onetwothreefourfiveSIX hours since I put you down for bed. You are a rockstar, girlfriend. Keep it up.
Your physical appearance has changed a lot in the past month as well, as your facial features have become more defined and your hair color has lightened up a bit. If you were to ask your daddy he’d say that “you keep getting cuter and cuter every day.” In fact, he actually tells you that every single evening when he gets home from work. I think you have already achieved that milestone of getting Daddy wrapped tightly around your little finger, and really, I don’t think you had to work too hard for that one.
I love you, punkin, and I am so glad that you came into my life.
Love, Mama
This is who I get to hang out with every day. Aren’t I lucky? Oliver does so well with the baby that I even let him babysit from time to time when I head out to Sonic for my diet vanilla coke. He’s cheap labor.
I decided before Avalon was born that I wanted to breastfeed. I know there are lots of schools of thought on this issue and that people stand firmly on both sides, some rooting for breast milk and others for formula. I’m not here to debate one way or another, and I’m sure there are benefits to both, about which people are always SO EAGER to share their opinions, aren’t they? If you have an opinion, please, keep it to yourself, my other-people’s-opinion quota was filled long ago. I will go ahead and share, however, that the best comment Rob received was that, “breastfeeding is SO selfish.” I think it goes without saying that this individual does not have children, and probably never will. God bless her unscathed nipples.
Anyway. BREASTFEEDING, HOW SELFISH OF ME.
Breastfeeding is difficult. I definitely had a challenging time in the first couple of weeks, resulting in me crying a lot, calling people to cry to them on the phone, and also: crying. The unfortunate thing about breastfeeding is that boobs don’t come with little tick marks on them to indicate how many ounces are in there, which obviously leaves it unknown as to how many ounces a baby actually gets to eat at each feeding. The only way to know a baby is fulfilled is by counting how many poopy diapers they have in a day and watching their growth.
When Avalon was born she weighed in at a bite-size 6 pounds 4 oz, and when we left the hospital she dropped down to 5 pounds 15 oz, which the doctors assured me was normal. Ten days later, at her first doctor’s appointment, she was back up to 6 pounds 8 oz, a significant and happy weight gain. Unfortunately, a week later she had only gained four more ounces, to which the doctor said was only “okay” weight gain. Not “good” or “healthy”, just “OKAY”, which the hormonal new mother in me interpreted as “you’re depriving your child and doing a horrible job at feeding her and SELFISH, HOW SELFISH!” Really, I think I was more concerned about this than the doctor was, but to make me feel better she suggested that I return back in another week to weigh Avalon again and see what she was gaining.
I left that appointment petrified that I wasn’t able to fulfill my breastfeeding duties and was leaving Avalon hungry. As her sole source of nutrition, I felt guilty that she only gained four ounces that week. Needless to say, I made it my mission that week to pump her up as much as I could and prayed that I could fill her little tummy as much as she needed.
At her appointment this week we received the happy news that she gained another seven ounces! Finally my little shrimp was out of the 6’s and into the 7’s, weighing 7 pounds 3 oz. I left feeling relieved and grateful that breastfeeding was still successful for us.
Also related, she is getting so strong! She holds her head up better every day, and also rolled over already! ROLLED OVER! FROM HER TUMMY TO HER BACK! I was so proud of her and her athletic abilities, but really I think she was just so pissed to be on her tummy that she decided to turn the hell over. After rolling over three times in a row I finally got up to the get the video camera so that we could capture it and show Daddy later on, but of course in typical baby fashion, as soon as I hit the Record button, she was over it and gave up.
And finally, because I can’t possible write a post with only words, here is the pretty girl with her mama:
Just to be honest, whenever people put song lyrics in a blog post I never read them. It takes me only a millisecond for me to see the italicized lyrics written out and pass right on through to the next unread post in my Google Reader.
However, because I’m four weeks postpartum and still slightly or completely hormonally-charged, I’m going to go against what I would previously never do and post song lyrics. Because it just feels right. So if you’re like me and typically don’t do the lyrics thing, go ahead and scoot along. But come back soon, mmmkay?
The song is by Nichole Nordeman, and is called Gratitude. I am already a huge Nichole fan, always have been, but recently I’ve been listening to her CD on repeat every single time I get in the car, and Avalon and I take daily trips to Sonic to get my diet vanilla coke fix so that’s at least thirty minutes of Nichole time every day. I’m pretty sure that Avalon is going to be one of those cute three year olds who sit in the backseat of the car singing the words to to whatever music Mama plays over and over again in that little kiddy, high-pitched voice, and in our case it’ll for sure be Nichole Nordeman. SO PRESHUS.
So anyway, this song in particular really strikes a chord with me lately. Lyrics below:
Send some rain, would You send some rain?‘Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You’ll provide in other ways
And if that’s the case . . .
(Chorus)
We’ll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger’s view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You’ll provide in other ways
And if that’s the case . . .
(Chorus)
We’ll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that’s the case . . .
(Chorus)
We’ll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace
But Jesus, would You please . . .
Not only is the music itself gorgeous, but the lyrics, what a message! To be grateful for what God has already given us, despite the fact that it might not be what we want or would choose for ourselves. That we are taken care of no matter what. There’s a line that especially gets me every single time, That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream, in abundance or in need. SERIOUSLY TEARS. EVERY. TIME.
You know, when I think about it, Nichole’s music should have some type of disclaimer, like, “Do not attempt to drive while listening, for risk of eyes welling up with tears and blurring vision.” Believe me. I know.
It’s been an encouraging song recently during my tough days with Avalon, when she screams to no avail and it seems like there is nothing I can do to console her. Hearing this song makes me grateful that I even have a daughter, a daughter with strong enough lungs and vocal chords to scream and cry, scream and cry, etc., etc., etc. It puts my bad day into perspective, and makes me grateful for what I have.
I am blessed. You are blessed. In abundance or in need.
I had to laugh the other day when my blog friend Molly (Hi Molly!) made a comment on one of my posts and asked, Could you please post a picture of Avalon with her eyes open? It’s especially ironic because just prior to receiving that comment I was thinking to myself, I really need to post a picture of Avalon with her eyes open, for crying out loud, SHE WAS BORN WITH EYEBALLS, LET’S SHOW THEM TO THE WORLD. Unfortunately, the truth is that when Avalon’s eyes are open, or in other words ANYTIME SHE’S NOT ASLEEP, she’s, um, fussy. And extremely unpredictable. So basically she just isn’t extremely photogenic at those times. However, today I took it upon myself to get some eyes-open pictures, for me and for you and for your brother’s girlfriend’s second cousin.
I know. Eyes are closed in this one. But please, would you just take a moment to consider the cuteness? Baby yawns, seriously, there is nothing better. Such a little bird.
Homegirl has a bit of the bedhead look going on here. And she feels a little naked without her bow, so please, don’t judge. She’s a real girly girl already. I have no idea where she gets it.
Today my mom hosted a lovely luncheon for all of her friends to come over and meet Avalon. She made a delicious lunch and even set the table with all of her fine china and crystal. Apparently Avalon is a princess because I’m not sure anyone, her own daughters included, ever warranted that kind of royal treatment. Later, I snapped this photo after everyone had left when she was nice and tuckered out. Doesn’t she look like a snug little bug?
Saturday night Rob and I felt like we were playing with fire. Or a ticking time bomb. Or some other deadly type of object. Really, we were only dealing with our two week old baby, but when you try and take one of those to church it’s like an intense game of Russian Roulette. Will she sleep the whole time like a peaceful little angel baby? Or will she wake up in the middle of the sermon screaming her little pretty head off and end up coining us as one of THOSE families?
With Avalon all dolled up in a cute little dress, we left for church an hour before it started, hoping that the extra car time would lull her into a deep sleep. We kept driving, with our eyes darting between the clock and peeking back at her to see if she was falling asleep…and she wasn’t. I had my doubts that we would even make it into church at all, and instead would just turn around and go home. The entire time I was praying, Lord, if you want us to go to church, PLEASE make her fall asleep…
It was getting closer to the service’s starting time. She still wasn’t asleep. We pulled into the parking lot, and although tired, she still had one eye open. We took her out of the car, walked into church, and bravely sat down with my family towards THE FRONT of the auditorium while my blood pressure was quickly rising as I kept re-playing the worst case scenario in my head of her screaming during church. Things started to look hopeful as I noticed that she appeared to finally be drifting off into sleep until BAM! BANG! LA LA LA! the band started playing the intro music. Poor thing nearly jumped out of her skin, but dang, babies are deep sleepers because would you believe SHE SLEPT THROUGH THE ENTIRE SERVICE? Through all the singing, drums, videos, and sermon she was out like a light.
It was evident that we were meant to be there. Throughout the service I noted several moments where it seemed like the pastor was speaking directly to me, and the songs were exactly the songs of my heart. I was so grateful that we were there. We were even able to stay for my sister, Maddie’s, baptism. It was a great night, one that we all needed.
