A new day

Wow, yesterday. It was a toughie, to say the least. In a nutshell, Avalon was possessed by Those Who Don’t Sleep and decided that she only needed a few ten minute naps scattered throughout the day. For those of you familiar with newborns, THIS IS NOT THE CASE. She fought sleep as if her life depended on it, and when I would finally get her settled down from crying and she would yawn or close her eyes she’d get totally pissed off about it then start screaming again.

I found myself ready to lose it yesterday. I cried. She cried. A LOT. However, in her defense, I was trying to make her sleep in her crib. I know she can sleep in her swing and in her car seat after a car ride, but in an effort to avoid starting bad habits I dedicated yesterday to getting her to sleep in her crib. You can obviously tell how well that went over.

During those two-second naps she did take, and in between scouring the Internet for other mommy-blogs looking for reassurance that they had these ugly moments too and parenting message boards for answers to, “newborn fighting sleep, help me before I jump out a window,” I ended up on Facebook for a minute. Here’s what I posted:

Obviously this was written out of exhaustion and hormones, not from my heart, I love my daughter more than my own life. And I don’t know why I felt the need to post that thought publicly, it just happened. Following that, I got a few responses, most of them just encouraging me and letting me know I’m not alone and that I’m perfectly normal. And that is the best thing that anyone could have said to me. I didn’t want advice, I didn’t want to be judged, all I needed to know was (and is) that I’m not the only one in this boat that sometimes feels like it’s sinking.

Let’s just be honest, as a mom, THERE ARE DAYS THAT SUCK. It’s not always rainbows and sunshine and filet mignon. And you know what? I’m not going to pretend on here, on Facebook, or in my everyday life like it is. Because I want other people – new moms, moms-to-be, whoever – to know that they’re not alone. So for any moms who are reading my blog looking for encouragement like I was yesterday, I totally know how you feel. You’re not alone. I am with you on this crazy, amazing, challenging journey.

The good news in all of this is that with the bad comes good. Last night when I laid Avalon down and got into my bed I prayed and told Jesus that I will praise Him even through the trials and thanked him for my baby. I also asked if he would give us some rest and relief, and would you believe that last night when she went down for bed she slept for an entire 7.5 hours straight? I know that Jesus heard my pleas and purposefully blessed us all with a good night’s sleep. And today she is a new baby, already taking her second substantial nap of the day. I’ve never trusted or leaned on Him more than since having a baby. I couldn’t do this without Him.

Now I need to go and wake up (WAKE UP! I HAVE TO WAKE HER UP!) Avalon so she can eat. I told you, it’s a TOTALLY new day. And yes, I know there are some of you thinking, “Wake up your baby? You’re going to WAKE HER UP?” Yes. Yes I am. I know some people don’t do that, but I do, so let’s just put all the judging aside. But as a kicker, dare I admit that I put her on her stomach for her naps? Whoo boy. That will really rile up a crowd, won’t it?

Provision and perspective

Just to be honest, whenever people put song lyrics in a blog post I never read them. It takes me only a millisecond for me to see the italicized lyrics written out and  pass right on through to the next unread post in my Google Reader.

However, because I’m four weeks postpartum and still slightly or completely hormonally-charged, I’m going to go against what I would previously never do and post song lyrics. Because it just feels right. So if you’re like me and typically don’t do the lyrics thing, go ahead and scoot along. But come back soon, mmmkay?

The song is by Nichole Nordeman, and is called Gratitude. I am already a huge Nichole fan, always have been, but recently I’ve been listening to her CD on repeat every single time I get in the car, and Avalon and I take daily trips to Sonic to get my diet vanilla coke fix so that’s at least thirty minutes of Nichole time every day. I’m pretty sure that Avalon is going to be one of those cute three year olds who sit in the backseat of the car singing the words to to whatever music Mama plays over and over again in that little kiddy, high-pitched voice, and in our case it’ll for sure be Nichole Nordeman. SO PRESHUS.

So anyway, this song in particular really strikes a chord with me lately. Lyrics below:

Send some rain, would You send some rain?

‘Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again

And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?

Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down

Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid

But maybe not, not today

Maybe You’ll provide in other ways

And if that’s the case . . .

(Chorus)

We’ll give thanks to You

With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to thirst for You

How to bless the very sun that warms our face

If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread

Bless our bodies, keep our children fed

Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight

Wrap us up and warm us through

Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs

Let us slumber safe from danger’s view this time

Or maybe not, not today

Maybe You’ll provide in other ways

And if that’s the case . . .

(Chorus)

We’ll give thanks to You

With gratitude

A lesson learned to hunger after You

That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between

What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace

Move our hearts to hear a single beat

Between alibis and enemies tonight

Or maybe not, not today

Peace might be another world away

And if that’s the case . . .

(Chorus)

We’ll give thanks to You

With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to trust in You

That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream

In abundance or in need

And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

Not only is the music itself gorgeous, but the lyrics, what a message! To be grateful for what God has already given us, despite the fact that it might not be what we want or would choose for ourselves. That we are taken care of no matter what. There’s a line that especially gets me every single time, That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream, in abundance or in need. SERIOUSLY TEARS. EVERY. TIME.

You know, when I think about it, Nichole’s music should have some type of disclaimer, like, “Do not attempt to drive while listening, for risk of eyes welling up with tears and blurring vision.” Believe me. I know.

It’s been an encouraging song recently during my tough days with Avalon, when she screams to no avail and it seems like there is nothing I can do to console her. Hearing this song makes me grateful that I even have a daughter, a daughter with strong enough lungs and vocal chords to scream and cry, scream and cry, etc., etc., etc. It puts my bad day into perspective, and makes me grateful for what I have.

I am blessed. You are blessed. In abundance or in need.

Seriously. THERAPY.

It seems like before Avalon was born I had an ultra-rosy view of how life was going to be after she was born. I pictured her on a perfect schedule, taking naps every couple of hours, nursing like a pro, and always being happy.

Realistically, that is totally not realistic.

We have had some rough days. Days filled with her crying and me wondering what was wrong with her/me/the universe. Days with no naps. Days where I cried just as much as she did and wanted to rip all of my hair out because of how hard life is all of a sudden.

It’s easy to get frustrated and think that something is ‘wrong.’ It’s hard to remember that babies, THEY CRY, and that we are still getting to know each other. She was in my womb for nine months, and has only been out and in the world for two weeks…that’s a serious adjustment for such an itty bitty person.

Thank you, Jesus, that she sleeps at night. Although the days are rough, I’m grateful that at night we both can get a good night’s sleep and wake up refreshed.

That is all.

Confessional: Out of Control

I never thought that when I stepped onto the scale I would see the numbers that I saw yesterday. As every day passes the numbers creep higher and higher, as does my blood pressure upon seeing how far away from my pre-pregnancy weight I am straying.

What kills me the most is knowing that I have little to no control over the weight gain. Before getting pregnant I liked and took advantage of the control I had over my weight. I was somewhat careful with what I ate, and I enjoyed working out on a fairly consistent basis. If I did splurge on crappy food I knew that all I had to do to make up for it was take an extra kickboxing class or cycle a few extra miles. This happened all the time, truth be told, because my willpower when it comes to food is horrible. I’d rather exercise like a gerbil on a wheel for hours on end than deprive myself of some delicious grub. 

All that being said, I was still far from having the perfect physique or weight, yet I was in a place where I was comfortable and happy.

Also: CONTROL. 

At almost nine months pregnant, the control thing is obviously on hiatus. If I eat like crap, I’m physically unable to just ‘work it off’ like I used to. And even if I don’t eat like crap, the numbers on the scale are still going to keep getting higher. 

It’s challenging to break through my old mindset and accept the fact that, at this point, my weight is (mostly) out of my control. It’s not something I dwell on all the time, and luckily I haven’t really had to up until my third trimester when I quit kickboxing and all of a sudden the pounds just begin piling on.

I’m looking forward to the days where I can exercise again and achieve some new physical goals. I’m thinking of maybe even running another half marathon, which means something serious because did you know? I HATE RUNNING. I even told my kettlebell trainer that she has full permission to kick my butt like she never has before, which is something I will probably regret ever saying as soon as I step back into the gym.

All I know is that I am more motivated than I ever have been before.