Ever since the night I made THAT online purchase – you know, the bathing suits? – I have been anxiously awaiting their arrival to my front door. Not really sure whether this would be a successful experience or not, my feelings kept waivering back and forth between a) being really optimistic that I would put them on and be instantly transformed into her:

 

or b) that I wouldn’t, in fact, be transformed into her, and would instead look similar to a stuffed sausage, which would result in me regressing into a crying, thumb-sucking baby desperately looking for some sense of hope in the world. 

Well, I am here to report that neither a) or b) occurred today, which is both extremely saddening, yet somewhat relieving all at the same time. 

Out of the three suits I ordered, only one of them fits correctly. I had expected that, however, since my success rate at online purchases is about 3%, much to my dismay. Why is that? Is there no sizing consistency in the online-ordering world? It is uber-frustrating, is it not? Anyway, I digress. 

Bathing suit #1 was a success (SCORE!).

Bathing suit #2 was large on the bottom (SCORE AGAIN!) so, darn, I had to exchange it for a smaller size. 

Bathing suit #3 was also large. However, it was large on the top. You know, in the chest vicinity. 

If you know me, I understand, you are not surprised at this. You already are well aware of my freakishly absent upper-body-ish area.

I, however, am devastated. Because please understand this extremely-vital-and-pitiful-fact: the top was already a size Small. And it was majorly baggy.

When I first saw the horror in the mirror, I attempted some encouraging self-talk to myself and my girls:

“It’s okay, you two, you’re just having a bad day. Maybe tomorrow you’ll feel a little bloated like the rest of me? Or maybe I’ll need to pull a Judy Blume exercise? We must, we must, we must increase our bust! Or wait! I’ll just pop in my plastic bra-filler things! That would look perfect and boobalicious! But what happens if they pop out in the Gulf of Mexico and a small child finds them and thinks they are some sort of new, innovative floating device? And then I’ll have to actually get up out of the water looking like I have been deflated into a limp balloon?”

Eventually I was out of quick-fixes and ideas, and started to get a rash from playing out the various scenarios that could ensue if I wasn’t careful.

So now I have to exchange it for an extra small. AND DO YOU SEE MY DILEMMA HERE?!

Small on bottom = YIPPEEEEE!

Extra small on top = You may as well call me Steve and go fetch me a beer or two. 

I’m trying to find some source of consolation here. The only thing I can think of is another bathing suit.

Something with a little padding this time.